I got back to the US a week ago from Peru working with more plant medicines and starting to really explore shamanism. I participated in a Shamanic Tree Dieta for a week where we dieted the barks of 8 spiritual trees through the practices and lineage of Amazonian Shamanism. The next week I was an assistant and helped guests while supporting the Shamans on an Ayahuasca Tour. That rolled into yet another week of plant medicine working with San Pedro where, for the first time, I helped run the tour. This particular tour was my first real steps in practicing Shamanism as I conducted the Opening and Closing ceremonies with the group along with a ceremony midweek at a sacred site. I felt a new chapter of my journey open up with new possibilities and explorations.
So that was the structure of the roughly 4 weeks and 3 different plant medicine tours. The combination of all of these tours as a whole its delivering some pretty amazing divine wisdom and lessons to me now. The tree diet brought to the surface some really deeply buried feelings of fear and doubt. In the past there has been a self destructive behavior pattern in my life when things were going good because deep down i had the feeling I didn't deserve them. I was shown that at that time in my life these self destructive feelings and behaviors were because of a lack of self love that was void in my life. I really didn’t know how to love myself and was looking externally to fill that void.
These feelings and lessons came into my awareness during the past month and with them i started to question everything that I was going through on my journey. Where it was leading, what it was going to look like in the future, how certain ceremonial experiences were going to manifest, if this was really for me or not. I can see now that the doubt and fear i was feeling and experiencing, because it was so intense, was clouding the way I knew I felt deep within me. That knowing which is the connection to my higher and authentic self was being tested and this opposite feeling was only making my core essence stronger and bringing more of my awareness to it.
The doubt and fear I was feeling was coming from the stories my mind was conjuring up about the future and bringing to light things from my past that were hindering me in the here and now. The medicine was making me journey down this path of doubting and fearing everything in my life to see and make clear to me how I actually felt, which was the opposite of doubt and fear. I’m in the best place in my life right now and this journey I am on means the world to me.. It is my destined path. I feel this now more than ever and what an appropriate time for this deepened understanding and knowing to occur as I’m about to embark on a 5 month intensive that will challenge every aspect of self and take my journey for a quantum leap. The medicine is showing me how by looking into the future to find answers in this moment only created false stories that disrupted the true reality of the moment. I was conjuring up doubt and fear based on a fictitious story I was creating in the future only to be riddled with doubt and fear in the here and now. If thats not delusion then I don't know what is.
When your knee deep working with the medicine a lot of the time the lessons and where the journey takes you is unclear in a big picture sense. I have worked with the medicine long enough now to understand that you just need to ride the waves, you don't have to remember or figure out anything in that moment, and everything will reveal itself to you after you get back and reintegrate yourself back into your life. This group of tours has shown me a new deeper level of living in the moment. I’ve been practicing mindful meditation and living in the moment for about 2 years now but these tours and the medicine are bringing into my awareness a whole other level of living in the moment. I will follow up this blog post with another post depicting a deeper understanding of these lessons and how they manifest in my life when they do.