I had the most amazing experience during one of my Ayahuasca ceremonies where I came in full union with my moms spirit. It was an experience i cherish every day and has completely changed my relationship with her.
She had passed away about 2 years prior and there was still a lot of healing that needed to be done. She was a heavy smoker and developed COPD, we thought she had quit smoking but while she was living in florida she started again. This would be the cause of her body shutting down because she couldn't get enough oxygen processed through her damaged lungs. My dad got a call that she was in the hospital because she collapsed on her kitchen floor and a neighbor found her and called 911. We were on the next plane to Florida where I was able to say my final goodbyes and she passed away that night. Two years later I was still carrying the feelings that I should have been a better son and spent more time with her. My issue was that she had always treated me as a 5 year old, even when I was grown and running my own businesses, which caused a lot of arguments between us. I felt a sense of worthlessness because I looked at it as she knew if she started smoking again that she was going to die and she chose to anyway. She chose to smoke instead of wanting to be there for me sharing in my life accomplishments, I pictured her at my future wedding or when my future baby was being born. I felt abandoned in a way. I have looked back on those moments and felt ashamed that I had acted and treated her that way. It was so selfish of me but those were the tools I had in that moment to deal with that situation. I never forgave myself for not being there for her more when she needed me. I didn't know it at the time of her death, but found out soon after, that she had been going through a bout of depression and didn't tell anyone because she didn't want to bother us. That broke my heart, that I wasn't there for her!
In January of 2013 my mother spirit came to me in an Ayahuasca ceremony and it was an incredible gift. I was laying on my mat and i could feel the effects of the Aya starting to take hold as I entered the medicine space. I saw black geometric patterns that would get closer and closer to me and this had been the tall tale sign that i was about to journey. I went through the geometric patterns and everything became clear, my vision space was blank, my mind was so still as if it wasn’t there at all. No thoughts, just a medicine blanket of peace and love coddling me. I remember I could feel something, an energetic being or spirit that was in my space and coming closer. With my eyes closed and my frame of awareness being that I was still in my body laying on my mat, but still in the medicine space, I could hear something vibrating and coming closer. As I lay there a green light and the flutter of wings passed over my eyes. I could see the green glow through my eyelids and feel the vibration, flutter, wind and warmth of the wings as this flying creature passed over me. I could tell it was small, i would guess it to be the size of a humming bird. Then there were two, passing over me and hovering above my head as if they were checking me out and analyzing me, gathering information. For whatever reason the thought of opening my eyes never came into my awareness. I started to recognize my mind as I was asking the spirits what these flying creatures were and in that asking I was taken out of my body and into my vision space where i was looking back at myself laying on my mat. My vision space would change from me being in body and aware that I was laying on my mat to also being outside of my body looking back at me without any connection to my body. In my vision space I could see 2 green fairies flying around my head looking into me, checking me out. I remember being excited to see fairies and i giggled like a little boy, I was enchanted with amazement. I then saw a floating flowing, glowing blue spirit entity with long flowing hair and a face coming toward me, but it wasn't a face that i recognized or one that held a specific shape as it was flowing with the whole energetic entity as well. I saw the spirit coming closer and hovering above me, my eyes still closed but seeing this in my vision space. I felt a strong pull from deep within me and i felt pressure against my face and chest, tingling through my entire body, as my soul was being pulled into a neutral space outside of my body. I was instantly taken back in body with this sensation and my back started to arch and lift off the ground. At this moment the spirt embraced my soul and I knew instantly it was my mother. She hugged my soul and with that we became one and everything I needed was there in that moment to let go of the past, to forgive myself for how I acted and to fully heal the emotional blockages and pain I had been carrying. This energetic connection where her spirit became part of me was a truly miraculous experience. She came into my body and drenched me with love, happiness, and nurturing and then she left. It wasn't sudden although it happened rather quickly, it was all I needed. I laid there on my mat crying and shaking with energy that she brought into my being. I was so happy and felt so complete, the healing from my moms death and the loss of her had happened in that instant but I would need to catch up to this experience with my psyche.
The integration of this experience happened over the next 6 months where I was able to fully forgive her and myself, I was able to feel her presence as part of me and develop a new relationship with he spirit. I had been carrying a much deeper emotional blockage that was tied to this and that was me not feeling worthy of love from someone else. My mom loved me very much, I see that now and I knew it then but it was my own self absorption that clouded my interpretation of circumstances and interactions. This has been part of something that has really limited my past relationships and why I never would let the women I was dating get close to me. Also why I opted for the hanging out type of relationship. This experience was a big lesson of learning and being able to cultivate self love and I was finally able to heal and let go of the sadness and feelings of not being worthy of love and put those things behind me. There grew within my being a deep sense of gratitude, love and acceptance for my mom and who she was, is, and always will be. I experienced her true essence and it was so beautiful, her spirit shines through me and I catch flutters of energy flowing through me when i express her essence through me as my own.